"Nearly everyone finds it difficult or seemingly impossible to avoid being immersed in negative emotions, anxiety, and depressed morale or lack of enthusiasm. We experience the 'highs' or high points of our life as rare events, islands of 'full potential' and self-confidence in an ocean of problems, weaknesses, and disturbing challenges. Acquiring a rational understanding of our mental life is enlightening and liberating." ~ Dr. Leon James 'Avatar Psychology'
The snow felt refreshing as Justin and I trudged the last hundred feet towards the mountain's peak. My shoes were soaked as I had been stubborn and refused to wear my hiking boots. The white blanket of snow began to turn a brilliant shade of orange as the sun sank slowly beneath the horizon. We paused to admire our surroundings. The sky was saturated in shades of pink, orange and red, and the trees became dark and shapeless silhouetted against the setting sun. We held our breath for the final moment, as the last of the golden sphere disappeared into the world's end. The purple haze of dusk came to rest on the tips of the mountains, and we turned our gaze back toward our final destination.
Born into a world of peccadillo, I often find it difficult to stay on a 'high'. How often do I get to experience a peak? It takes so much time, effort, and determination to climb to the top. It is always exhilarating, and satisfying in the end, the view from there is so breathtaking. I feel like I have a split personality at times. Ever changing and adapting, as though water. One moment I'm as strong as ice, the next as unpredictable as liquid, and at times as uninhibited as vapor. Simultaneously shifting in both temperature and form. I am certain of what I want, but sometimes I get distracted when buried beneath the details and fighting the mundane routine of daily life. How can you make clear decisions when you are fighting to catch your breath? You can't see amongst the trees how close you are to the end. With each step you hope you're headed in the right direction, nearing closer to that vista point. Occasionally you see the peak, and you are reminded of what you want. Sometimes however I focus so much on the end that I forget to admire the scenery on the way up.
We happily threw off our packs and quickly pulled out our layers; dry socks, fleece pants and pullover, snow pants, jacket, and gloves. We walked to the top where the sun had melted the snow exposing large boulders, and uncovering new growth surrounding the bottom of each one. A navy blue cloak of darkness was slowly pulling down closer to the horizon, and the earth reflected back in a challenging deep black. The moon, dusted in yellow, shined over the valley below and hung only inches away from the neighboring mountain range. A tiny, white light bravely peaked through the darkness, and I almost wished upon it until I realized it was the light from someone's home. As quickly as that thought appeared so did a hundred other lights, and then a hundred more. It appeared as though a thousand lightning bugs had descended upon the valley, and took rest in the rolling hills. We climbed atop a large boulder, and looked out onto the unfolding scene.
I'm afraid of boxes. Scared of conforming to the norm, being asked to live a life of routine and repetition; droning on day after day. Doing the same old thing until I forget what it looks like outside of my box, and all I want to do is sit inside with all of my stuff. Possessing so many items that can end up owning you, and slowly drain the life from you. But every once in awhile a box sounds nice. I'd take a cardboard box right now if it meant I could simply be quiet with my own thoughts for a moment. I do love traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing everything there is to see in this life, but there really is no place like home. Only a little over two weeks ago I was in another country, in an entirely different world. I was feeling sick as a serious infection used my body as its own personal play ground. Despite my best efforts to fight it, it won. That week I wish I had had some ruby slippers to tap so I could have been transported home. Home . . . there is no place like home. . . 'tap, tap' . . . there is no place like home. . .
My breath caught in my throat as my mind couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. As far as the eye could see, a million twinkling stars had been shaken loose from the heavens and had caught in the carpet of the valley floor. They sparkled, and danced. The moon blurred as tears came to my eyes, and I struggled to find words to describe what I was seeing. A three-hundred and sixty degree view of stunning beauty; a mountain backdrop, and city lights from Olympia to Marysville, and Monroe to Index. We were experiencing a hundred firework shows simultaneously in complete silence. Only the distant sound from a show in the little town of Index reminded us that it was a reality. I cannot put into words how impressively profound it was for me. I cannot tell you why it brought tears to my eyes or took my breath away, other than to tell you that I have neither seen, nor experienced, anything like it before, and that it rendered me speechless, delving into a desperate search for words that I could use to paint that picture. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last time that evening that I couldn't find the right words to say. . .
My mind wandered in disbelief that only three weeks ago I was sitting at a table of strangers eating pig snout. Tasty but chewy. Those strangers quickly became my friends. Wonderful people that made it difficult for me to return home. A faint breath of sadness lingers where they once filled my day, and I pray we meet again to have another adventure, experience growing pains, and create wonderful new memories. But I am here now. Sitting on this mountain. And I am perfectly content. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be. Just me, the mountains, this moment, and my love. I have experienced many different forms of happiness. Some that stem from excitement and adventure, and others from the people who surround me. At this moment, I feel perfect happiness. I lean into Justin, and we watch the fireworks in silence; both moved by what we were witnessing. He lights a candle and proceeds to make us dinner - garlic mashed potatoes with beef and vegetable stew, and an extra large, cold beer. The fireworks continued to light up the sky, and we barely spoke as though afraid to break the spell. With one final, last ditch effort the cities set fire to the heavens, crying out to be seen and heard. "We are here!" they shouted. Light and smoke, thunder and gun powder ripped through the darkness for the grand finale. Justin took a deep breath to the conclusion of the fireworks. "Can I ask you a couple of questions?" his voice seemed foreign as it broke through the silence.
"Sure." I shrugged casually.
"Will you hold my beer?" he asked as he stood up and handed over his poison of choice. I looked up and waited for the next question.
You stand at crossroads countless times in your life. Sometimes with intent and purpose, and other times wishing you could take a few steps back to gain a little perspective. I have seen the Colosseum in Rome, experienced gut wrenching sickness in India, hiked one of the most dangerous trails, met people from all around the world, have eaten some of the most interesting food and some of the best. Still nothing can prepare you for your first step down a road often travel, but rarely successfully completed.
"Happiness is within your grasp, if you would just let yourself be happy." My mother wisely challenged me a few days prior.
I was grumpy and mulling over minor offenses. "I AM happy." I mumbled - even I didn't believe it. Since I have been home my 'siesta a day lifestyle' has taken a hard slap of reality to the face, and I have been going non-stop since I stepped off the plane. It is difficult to maintain a perma-smile under such conditions, and I find that I want to hide within myself to maintain sanity. In less than eight weeks I will be in Nepal; trekking through some of the most beautiful, renown mountains in the world! The count down is only adding to the pressure now, and what did I chose to add to my calendar!?!
Justin straightened his jacket, and I didn't have much time to think about it before he was down on one knee in front of me. He pulled out the coveted blue Tiffany & Co. box from his jacket, and I thought 'Great! He doesn't know me at all. . . I'm going to have to say no.'
"Kassi. Will you marry me?" he asked. My chest tightened, and I forgot how to breath.
The box opened. . .
Earlier that day, we stood in front of the sandwich counter at Safeway, trying to choose our lunch. "I know what I want." Justin finally declared.
"So do I!" I said as I grabbed a salad. But when I looked up he wasn't staring at the food.
"I want you," he said as he gripped me tightly. He looked into my eyes, and I experienced something that I rarely see with Justin. . . a serious moment. I squirmed uncomfortably as he continued, "You are the only girl for me, and I want to be with you forever. I want to be your best friend, too."
Inside the elegant Tiffany's box lay a red, sapphire strawberry Ring Pop. I smiled in relief and then realized, 'This is where I'm suppose to reply.' I looked into his eyes and tried to read him. I tried to buy myself some time, "I thought you said questionS?"
"Yeah, I asked if you would hold my beer." He said plainly.
A minute of complete silence passed, "Are you serious?" I asked.
With great patience he replied, "If there was any doubt, I wouldn't have asked."
"I can't breathe," I squeaked out.
He only smiled and brushed the hair from my eyes. Another minute passed, he checked his wrist where a watch should have lain.
Absolutely nothing, and everything passed through my mind at the same time. Waves of elation and sadness swept over me. There was no room in my thought process for an answer of 'yes' or 'no'. I had so many questions. 'Am I ready for this? Is HE ready for this? Will I have to give up my freedom, my travels, my selfishness? Does this mean that it's time to grow up; to leave all childishness behind? Will his family love and accept me? Does he know how hard it will be sometimes? Do I?'
He broke my thought process, "We are going to have so many adventures together."
"They won't always be fun, happy adventures." I informed him with a frown.
"But at least we will have each other." He said confidently with a smile, and in a moment all of my fears seemed distant, as is the case when he smiles at me.
"Of course I will!" I said with a smile that I feared would break my cheeks. We kissed, embraced, and he slid the giant ring-pop onto my finger.
I am happy to loose my 'self' to gain a better version of me. I am ready to experience a different, more complete form of freedom that can only be found with each other. I am not willing to give up discovering the world, traveling to new places, and having adventures. . . I am so happy that I don't have to.
The next morning I would find out how busy my schedule would get. . . is it possible to work full time, get in shape and plan for Nepal, finish paper work for Thailand, visit with family and friends that you haven't seen in months, AND plan a wedding all in 6 weeks!?! I guess we are about to find out. . .
The snow felt refreshing as Justin and I trudged the last hundred feet towards the mountain's peak. My shoes were soaked as I had been stubborn and refused to wear my hiking boots. The white blanket of snow began to turn a brilliant shade of orange as the sun sank slowly beneath the horizon. We paused to admire our surroundings. The sky was saturated in shades of pink, orange and red, and the trees became dark and shapeless silhouetted against the setting sun. We held our breath for the final moment, as the last of the golden sphere disappeared into the world's end. The purple haze of dusk came to rest on the tips of the mountains, and we turned our gaze back toward our final destination.
Born into a world of peccadillo, I often find it difficult to stay on a 'high'. How often do I get to experience a peak? It takes so much time, effort, and determination to climb to the top. It is always exhilarating, and satisfying in the end, the view from there is so breathtaking. I feel like I have a split personality at times. Ever changing and adapting, as though water. One moment I'm as strong as ice, the next as unpredictable as liquid, and at times as uninhibited as vapor. Simultaneously shifting in both temperature and form. I am certain of what I want, but sometimes I get distracted when buried beneath the details and fighting the mundane routine of daily life. How can you make clear decisions when you are fighting to catch your breath? You can't see amongst the trees how close you are to the end. With each step you hope you're headed in the right direction, nearing closer to that vista point. Occasionally you see the peak, and you are reminded of what you want. Sometimes however I focus so much on the end that I forget to admire the scenery on the way up.
We happily threw off our packs and quickly pulled out our layers; dry socks, fleece pants and pullover, snow pants, jacket, and gloves. We walked to the top where the sun had melted the snow exposing large boulders, and uncovering new growth surrounding the bottom of each one. A navy blue cloak of darkness was slowly pulling down closer to the horizon, and the earth reflected back in a challenging deep black. The moon, dusted in yellow, shined over the valley below and hung only inches away from the neighboring mountain range. A tiny, white light bravely peaked through the darkness, and I almost wished upon it until I realized it was the light from someone's home. As quickly as that thought appeared so did a hundred other lights, and then a hundred more. It appeared as though a thousand lightning bugs had descended upon the valley, and took rest in the rolling hills. We climbed atop a large boulder, and looked out onto the unfolding scene.
I'm afraid of boxes. Scared of conforming to the norm, being asked to live a life of routine and repetition; droning on day after day. Doing the same old thing until I forget what it looks like outside of my box, and all I want to do is sit inside with all of my stuff. Possessing so many items that can end up owning you, and slowly drain the life from you. But every once in awhile a box sounds nice. I'd take a cardboard box right now if it meant I could simply be quiet with my own thoughts for a moment. I do love traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing everything there is to see in this life, but there really is no place like home. Only a little over two weeks ago I was in another country, in an entirely different world. I was feeling sick as a serious infection used my body as its own personal play ground. Despite my best efforts to fight it, it won. That week I wish I had had some ruby slippers to tap so I could have been transported home. Home . . . there is no place like home. . . 'tap, tap' . . . there is no place like home. . .
My breath caught in my throat as my mind couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. As far as the eye could see, a million twinkling stars had been shaken loose from the heavens and had caught in the carpet of the valley floor. They sparkled, and danced. The moon blurred as tears came to my eyes, and I struggled to find words to describe what I was seeing. A three-hundred and sixty degree view of stunning beauty; a mountain backdrop, and city lights from Olympia to Marysville, and Monroe to Index. We were experiencing a hundred firework shows simultaneously in complete silence. Only the distant sound from a show in the little town of Index reminded us that it was a reality. I cannot put into words how impressively profound it was for me. I cannot tell you why it brought tears to my eyes or took my breath away, other than to tell you that I have neither seen, nor experienced, anything like it before, and that it rendered me speechless, delving into a desperate search for words that I could use to paint that picture. Little did I know that it wouldn't be the last time that evening that I couldn't find the right words to say. . .
My mind wandered in disbelief that only three weeks ago I was sitting at a table of strangers eating pig snout. Tasty but chewy. Those strangers quickly became my friends. Wonderful people that made it difficult for me to return home. A faint breath of sadness lingers where they once filled my day, and I pray we meet again to have another adventure, experience growing pains, and create wonderful new memories. But I am here now. Sitting on this mountain. And I am perfectly content. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be. Just me, the mountains, this moment, and my love. I have experienced many different forms of happiness. Some that stem from excitement and adventure, and others from the people who surround me. At this moment, I feel perfect happiness. I lean into Justin, and we watch the fireworks in silence; both moved by what we were witnessing. He lights a candle and proceeds to make us dinner - garlic mashed potatoes with beef and vegetable stew, and an extra large, cold beer. The fireworks continued to light up the sky, and we barely spoke as though afraid to break the spell. With one final, last ditch effort the cities set fire to the heavens, crying out to be seen and heard. "We are here!" they shouted. Light and smoke, thunder and gun powder ripped through the darkness for the grand finale. Justin took a deep breath to the conclusion of the fireworks. "Can I ask you a couple of questions?" his voice seemed foreign as it broke through the silence.
"Sure." I shrugged casually.
"Will you hold my beer?" he asked as he stood up and handed over his poison of choice. I looked up and waited for the next question.
You stand at crossroads countless times in your life. Sometimes with intent and purpose, and other times wishing you could take a few steps back to gain a little perspective. I have seen the Colosseum in Rome, experienced gut wrenching sickness in India, hiked one of the most dangerous trails, met people from all around the world, have eaten some of the most interesting food and some of the best. Still nothing can prepare you for your first step down a road often travel, but rarely successfully completed.
"Happiness is within your grasp, if you would just let yourself be happy." My mother wisely challenged me a few days prior.
I was grumpy and mulling over minor offenses. "I AM happy." I mumbled - even I didn't believe it. Since I have been home my 'siesta a day lifestyle' has taken a hard slap of reality to the face, and I have been going non-stop since I stepped off the plane. It is difficult to maintain a perma-smile under such conditions, and I find that I want to hide within myself to maintain sanity. In less than eight weeks I will be in Nepal; trekking through some of the most beautiful, renown mountains in the world! The count down is only adding to the pressure now, and what did I chose to add to my calendar!?!
Justin straightened his jacket, and I didn't have much time to think about it before he was down on one knee in front of me. He pulled out the coveted blue Tiffany & Co. box from his jacket, and I thought 'Great! He doesn't know me at all. . . I'm going to have to say no.'
"Kassi. Will you marry me?" he asked. My chest tightened, and I forgot how to breath.
The box opened. . .
Earlier that day, we stood in front of the sandwich counter at Safeway, trying to choose our lunch. "I know what I want." Justin finally declared.
"So do I!" I said as I grabbed a salad. But when I looked up he wasn't staring at the food.
"I want you," he said as he gripped me tightly. He looked into my eyes, and I experienced something that I rarely see with Justin. . . a serious moment. I squirmed uncomfortably as he continued, "You are the only girl for me, and I want to be with you forever. I want to be your best friend, too."
Inside the elegant Tiffany's box lay a red, sapphire strawberry Ring Pop. I smiled in relief and then realized, 'This is where I'm suppose to reply.' I looked into his eyes and tried to read him. I tried to buy myself some time, "I thought you said questionS?"
"Yeah, I asked if you would hold my beer." He said plainly.
A minute of complete silence passed, "Are you serious?" I asked.
With great patience he replied, "If there was any doubt, I wouldn't have asked."
"I can't breathe," I squeaked out.
He only smiled and brushed the hair from my eyes. Another minute passed, he checked his wrist where a watch should have lain.
Absolutely nothing, and everything passed through my mind at the same time. Waves of elation and sadness swept over me. There was no room in my thought process for an answer of 'yes' or 'no'. I had so many questions. 'Am I ready for this? Is HE ready for this? Will I have to give up my freedom, my travels, my selfishness? Does this mean that it's time to grow up; to leave all childishness behind? Will his family love and accept me? Does he know how hard it will be sometimes? Do I?'
He broke my thought process, "We are going to have so many adventures together."
"They won't always be fun, happy adventures." I informed him with a frown.
"But at least we will have each other." He said confidently with a smile, and in a moment all of my fears seemed distant, as is the case when he smiles at me.
"Of course I will!" I said with a smile that I feared would break my cheeks. We kissed, embraced, and he slid the giant ring-pop onto my finger.
I am happy to loose my 'self' to gain a better version of me. I am ready to experience a different, more complete form of freedom that can only be found with each other. I am not willing to give up discovering the world, traveling to new places, and having adventures. . . I am so happy that I don't have to.
The next morning I would find out how busy my schedule would get. . . is it possible to work full time, get in shape and plan for Nepal, finish paper work for Thailand, visit with family and friends that you haven't seen in months, AND plan a wedding all in 6 weeks!?! I guess we are about to find out. . .
3 comments:
I am so happy for you and Justin! It will all work out- just keep it simple and all about the two of you! Others will just have to get over themselves this is your wedding and your new life together! I love you both!
Adventure is what you both want and we are sooo happy that you will be following the path together.....
ROCKACHELE
How are things going for you?
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