THAILAND 7: Feathers & Paradise

"When she was just a girl she expected the world.  But it flew away from her reach.  So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of . . . Paradise." - Coldplay, Mylo Xyloto, Paradise

I picked up a feather today.  It was soft, light and it tickled when I brushed it across my fingertips.  I stopped to examine it, to ponder where it came from, and enjoy its complex simplicity.  I walked a little further and I picked up another.  After comparing the two, I placed them in my pocket.  Two more feathers were blowing across the sand, and I bent down to gather them as well.  I collected more and my pockets began to bulge.  There were so many that I had to start putting them in my bag.  I no longer had to the time to inspect each one; I took a quick glance and then placed them inside.  At first I was able to have it slung over one shoulder, but then it soon became too heavy and I had to put it on my back.  I looked up and saw a whirlwind of feathers scattered everywhere as far as the eye could see.  I became as though one possessed; I had to gather as many as I could as quickly as possible.  My bag turned into a large basket, and I stuffed the feathers inside until I became exhausted from collecting, and the weight became too much for me to bear alone. 

I gathered the feathers as innocently as I daily gather my thoughts.  One at a time, spending time thinking over each one, not realizing how heavy they will eventually become.  Individually they are so innocent, light, even beautiful, but eventually they become daunting, overwhelming, and heavier than I can carry alone. 

We have been on the island two days now since our visa run to Burma, and I thought I was maintaining a good attempt at a positive attitude and outlook on our situation.  Our visa run to the border of Myanmar had been less than successful, costly, and time consuming.  However, it brought us here to this beautiful, tropical paradise full of sunshine, endless ocean, kayaking, watermelon shakes, and our bungalow. 

I, however, can’t help but analyze every thought that comes into my mind.  We had received some new information regarding the school start date, but for the most part we were left in the dark. 
Our area was flooded – one of the worst provinces hit.  Black mambas roamed our streets; crocodiles floated down the others.  Dysentery was sure to be a serious problem with the roads having been flooded chest high, and food and water was scarce and expensive.  School, for Justin, had been postponed yet again until the 14^th of November, and there were murmurings that it could be pushed back even further.  Already five of our classmates were returning because they couldn’t wait it out, and they didn’t want to stay in Thailand past the financial point of no return.  This didn’t help lift our spirits.

We started to apply for jobs all over Thailand, and we went so far as to include China, Korea, and Indonesia.  Internet was on island time and worked when and as quickly as it wanted to; this made checking our emails for information or setting up Skype interviews very difficult and frustrating. 

I had so many little bits of information that were useless.  It was as though I had random pieces of a puzzle and no matter how I put them together I couldn’t figure out what the picture was.  Our funds were dwindling, and if they pushed back the school start date again, and maybe even again . . . we could be in big trouble.  The uncertainty of the situation was starting to weigh on me.  I had gathered all the feathers I could carry. I didn’t realize at the time that they were getting heavy, and soon I would be crushed by the weight. 

After a very unsuccessful attempt to Skype home, the last ‘feather’ fell and broke my back.  I looked up at Justin, who seemed to be more than happy surfing all day, enjoying his time off, and maintaining an aloof stance on our financial situation.  The dam broke and I was a mess.  I think he would rather I didn’t have a meltdown right now on this beautiful island, but rather just enjoy the time we get to spend here.  Believe it or not – that is what I want too, but the weight of it was too heavy and I couldn’t carry it any longer by myself.  

Many failed attempts later, desperate explanations of how I was feeling concerning the situation, and we finally had to part ways for a bit.  He went surfing, and I sat on the beach.  ‘How can he go surfing when everything is so stressful right now?’ I thought. 

‘How can she sulk on the beach while there is so much beauty and fun to be had?’ he dismissed his thoughts and rode another wave. 

I thought hard about our situation, and tried to lay out all of the feathers I had collected.  But they were too light and would blow away before I could fully give them any logical thought.  My mind was a mess, and my usual silent ponderings that usually brought about a successful plan or understanding of the situation wasn’t helping.  I knew that I had no control over the situation, so why be stressed and fume and fret about it all? I can usually stay positive even when all looks bleak.  Why is it so difficult now? I concluded that it isn’t just me anymore – there are two of us.  Two minds, two sets of emotions, two ways of dealing with stress, and too many unknowns for me to come to a conclusion.  I had to come to some sort of understanding within myself, and then implore assistance from my second soul.  He might not want to think about it right now, but I needed him to help carry the weight or figure out a way to lay it down.  I couldn’t do it on my own. 

I walked back to the bungalow, and saw Justin sitting on the porch.  I impetuously, and without permission from my logical side, began a conversation that I didn’t believe myself. “Maybe this was all a mistake.  Maybe we rushed into things, and we didn’t think it out all the way. Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married before coming on this trip.” 

I hoped I was posing questions that would be hardily disagreed with, and his assurance would add some sort of stability to my spinning world.  If I just knew that we were okay, and that we did the right thing then everything else would seem so much simpler.  This security would create an island of peace in the midst of the turmoil. 

The swirling feathers inside me had turned into a full blown raging tornado and had uprooted everything – even the things that I knew to be true.  I believed all was chaos, and I needed him to tell me otherwise.  This approach did not give me the results I desired so desperately. 

He wrapped his lips around his teeth and bit hard, nodded his head in agreement, and in a dark mutter alleged, “Maybe you’re right.” 

My heart fell.  Two and a half months in and we were already admitting that it was a mistake?  This couldn’t be right.  I must have been out of my mind to pose my question as a likely possibility.  What was I thinking that would accomplish?

My eyes narrowed, and my face darkened.  I fought back tears as my throat tightened and my heart pounded hard in my chest.  I glared at him for agreeing with me, spun on my heels and attempted to run away to the beach.  I only made it fifteen feet before I stopped dead in my tracks.  How dare he? I fumed. 

How dare I? I shook my head and wanted to slap myself for being such a spoiled brat.  How had it escalated to this!? My entire body had turned to stone; I was fixed where I stood.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to admit I was wrong, that’s always a lovely chore I take pleasure in. 

Slowly I managed to turn myself around and take heavy, dragging steps back towards the bungalow.  I stood before the shack like a whipped dog with my tail between my legs, tears in my eyes, and appeal in my voice, “Can’t you just hug me already?” 

“Those are the words I have been waiting to hear all day,” he said as he rose up from his chair and walked down the stairs. 

He could have crossed the entire universe in those three steps.  The distance between us had happened so quickly, sly, cunning and unnoticed as the shadows, steadily creeping in until it filled the void inside with stars, planets, and entire galaxies. 

A moment in time if fed upon long enough can break one’s soul if it were not for a bit of humility on one part, and acceptance that we are only human and we make mistakes on the other.

Justin went out to surf while the sun dropped dramatically into silky folds of gold and pink, and I stood on the water’s edge, letting the waves come in softly around my ankles.  My eyes focused down over the retreating water, arms outstretched, flying high above a distant shore.  I felt as though I was once again a child, and I half expected as I looked up to see my mother, her arms also outstretched, her shadow falling out behind her, and her radiant smile looking up at me, “I love to fly!” she would say to me, flames dancing in her eyes.  I smiled remembering and missing her warmth, my childhood, and the ease of life so long ago.

A small hermit crab tumbled in with the next wave, and attempted to crawl back in the ocean.  Again the wave came crashing in upon him pushing him further up the beach.  Once more he attempted to crawl back out, but yet again the wave came down upon him.  Over and over, I watched his struggle.  I watched him tumble and roll back onto the beach, but every time the wave pushed him further he seemed even more determined to get back to the water. 

I smiled in encouragement at his plight, and remembered that no matter how many times you fall down there is always tomorrow to pick yourself back up.  There is no shame in falling unless you refuse to pick yourself back up again.