SPAIN 7: Fighting the Current

'The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of life is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give. The joy of life is to love.' ~William Arthur Ward 

El viente started again today.  I guess that means it’s time to move on.  Today is my last day here in Alcala.  When I started this adventure, I never thought about all of the goodbyes there would be, I only considered all of the new faces – all of the hellos. It is a strange mix of simultaneous sadness and excitement that I didn’t expect to experience.

A few months back I had the opportunity to float down a very long tunnel in complete darkness.  There was a steady current of water flowing no wider than three feet and no deeper than two.  Once in the tunnel, I could see absolutely nothing, and I had no way to know which direction it would turn or where I would end up.  Sure I had heard there was a pool of water at the other end, but I was entering with blind faith.  At first I struggled against the current, and kept throwing up my hands in front of me.  I couldn’t see anything and my mind kept telling me that I was going to slam against the wall.  After a few unsuccessful moments of struggle, I had a revelation, ‘If I stop fighting the current, it will carry me right down the center of the tunnel.  It will be physically impossible for me to slam into the wall!’ So, I stopped struggling and allowed myself to be carried safely through to the other side.  I often think of that day.

The past week I have thought a lot about love lost, if it is to be found again, or will I walk this world alone forever.  Posed questions such as: Why do I have such a need to be loved? Do I have ‘daddy issues’? I have finally learned to love myself.  Isn’t that enough?  I have concluded that it is in the human nature to love and be loved.  That it isn’t a childhood scar that I am trying to fix with a dirty bandage.   It is okay to desire sharing the discovery of life with someone, and not travel this adventure alone.  I am glad however that I took this trip solo.  I feel so much more confident in myself, my capabilities, and I have conquered many fears - fears that I didn't even realize were there.  I could continue on alone for some time before I found it too lonely.  This week however, I have peered through the darkness, tossed around my arms, and fought against the flow desperately trying to figure out what was in front of me.  Is it safe to fall this time? To trust? I have tried to figure out every little detail of my future.  I am tired from the struggle.

Sadness from across the sea found its way to me yesterday. On top of wracking my brain and heart trying to figure out what will become of me, I have also tried to be brave and take my own advice, carry on with a smile, truly be happy regardless of the situation, and enjoy the moment despite.  My bravery has only lasted so long.  Tonight feeling helpless, I walked to the top of the town, and sat down at one of my favorite lookouts.  The wind howled and beat against me.  The rock wall felt sturdy and cool beneath me as I wedged my knees under the cast iron fence that promised to keep me from blowing off the edge.  My scarf whipped around me, and it would have been gone forever if the wind had changed directions for just one breath.  Even the sun felt cool as it began to set over the horizon, and I let out a long, troubled sigh.  My heart ached, my chest heaved, and the tears started rolling.  This was the first time I had wanted to cry since I left home. Sometimes I chew on ideas too long, and end up swallowing them still alive, in return I let them then eat me up inside; rather than just spitting them out.  My tears didn’t stand a chance against the force of the wind; before they could fall from my lashes onto my cheeks they were wiped away.  My eyes blurred, my hair whipped around in a violent frenzy, and the wind continued to beat against me.  If you know anything about the wind, you know that it doesn’t blow constantly, but one burst after another with different levels of intensity, it reminds me of grief.  Sometimes it’s there, but so still you don’t even realize it, and then other times it will hit you like a two ton truck knocking you over and threatening to be the last thing you see.  Today el viente blew, fiercely and yet somehow, tenderly.  Allowing myself to go limp, knowing I was safely wedged into the hill side, the hand of the wind gently rocked me back and forth as though to sooth my aching heart.  I thought of many things, the tunnel and letting go of control, my past, my future, this moment.  I watched the wind rip through the valley, turning the dark green grass pale and then back to dark again.  The sun kissed the top of the hills, and grasshopper nipples appeared on my arms.  I thought of the parable of the sun and the moon http://www.rickwalton.com/folktale/bryant21.htm, as I wrapped my sweater tightly against my body.  The tears stopped, the pain had blown away with the wind, and I petitioned my words one at a time.  As soft as the flap of a butterfly’s wings, I whispered my concerns setting them lightly on the breath of the wind.  I release control.  Current take me.  I no longer fight with reason trying to force vision where it is impossible to see.  I trust you will guide me safely through to the pool on the other side.  The weight lifted, and I walked back home relieved. I don't have to know what tomorrow holds, I just have to trust the current.

Tomorrow is another day, with more good-byes, but it also brings hellos!